Movie Review: Seventh Son (2014)

Have you ever watched Earthsea or Eragon or Stardust and thought, “Man, this is great but I’m getting bogged down by the tight plot and solid back story”? Well then, you are in luck.

Warning: Spoilers (duh)

This is a movie about a guy with a generic guy name that isn’t sexily exotic like Caspian who wanders around with something called a “spook” in a kind of magical world. Watch Caspian transform from guy who can’t throw knives wearing a sweatshirt stoners lust after into a guy who only throws a knife well once while wearing a Ralph Lauren hooded sweater with a bloody stab sploch where the horse used to be.

You can enjoy him as he does amazing things like:

-never losing his sword as he tumbles from a cliff into a river, battles a monster in said river, and then falls over a massive waterfall into the pool below

-killing an unkillable boggart (not like in HP) by stabbing it once or twice in the head with a completely normal sword

-becoming the best apprentice the spook has ever had after a week of training (read walking around not Middle Earth)

See Caspian and the spook take on a troop of culturally stereotyped animorphs designed after the leaders in Civ V. There’s American Indian grizzly bear, four handed Indian dude, South American jungle cat lady, not really a dragon African warlord and his army of the worst best assassins, some other guy who isn’t the same stereotype as the jungle cat lady but is kind of the same cultural area, a chimeraish lady with a half witch daughter instead of character development, and a dragon queen. Apparently they are all witches even though the only spells I heard used were by the spook and they did jack. They are a formidable bunch with the power to transform into animals and evil magic comets for travel in a world where half witches can teleport on whim.

Sit through unused guns brought on-screen like:

-some stupid legend about when a witch finds her soul mate

-Caspian having visions that tell him to do what he would have done anyway

-the spook literally asking if Caspain can change what he sees or if the future (or past or whatever they decide he gets to see because the visions are really just a terrible plot progression mechanism) is set in stone and then they never come back to that super interesting concept

Now, I am fairly certain that some law must have been passed saying that they had to use the first draft of this movie or they would have easily resolved some of the more gaping areas in the back story but maybe I am being too hard on this movie. It is quite possible that this movie was made as the joke movie within another movie, like when a couple in a rom-com go to the movies together and they see a really terrible movie mocking teen blockbusters, and was accidentally released as a serious film for real people to watch.

This movie wasn’t a complete waste of my time though. Caspain was hot. I used to be a Peter man but I could get down with magic warrior Caspian. Sure, he might be a hopeless romantic but he has apparently discovered a spell to keep his facial hair at maximum sexy level. Just getting to watch such a man was almost worth it.

The movie was also kind of pretty funny. When I could understand the spook I found him effortlessly humorous. If I had had subtitles I would have probably been chortling quite frequently.

Also, the movie didn’t feel long.

There are so many reasons not to even try to make time to see this movie. But if you find yourself already with a ticket, or if it comes on at 2 am on your television some day, then I have some words of hope for you. This movie is terrible but in a way that is like a drug to a certain type of person that LOVES terrible movies. If you liked the movies I mentioned at the beginning, if you giggle with joy at the awfulness of a made for TV movie, and/or if you are a connoisseur of failed movies with redeeming qualities then know that this is the type of terrible movie you (and I) live on.

Verdict: The acting and the story deserved a better script and maybe one person seeing the movie before it was released.

Social Cues: If this movie is for you watch it by yourself so nobody mars your enjoyment with their cynical superiority and judgement of your tastes.


1 Comment

  1. Pingback: 2015 Movies | Under the Dark Moon

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