Why? Why did I trust a DC movie? Haven’t I been hurt enough? Aren’t I old enough to know better? I should have known. I did know.
Let’s start with the pros.
- I really liked Wonder Woman. She was cool. I could respect her and I only felt mostly incredibly inferior as a woman in her presence. I know we are setting up the Justice League and everything but how about a Wonder Woman trilogy instead, just ditch the lamos and give me six to nine hours of her. I’d even be willing to watch her origin story every movie.
- Lex Luther. Yeah, so I have a weird thing for the actor. We’ve been over this. I don’t care if you didn’t like him or how the character was done. He is way better than the other baddies they’ve been throwing at us.
Okay, now onto the biggest cons (because if I listed all my issues I would just be reading you the script with extra details thrown in.)
- Back story. Again. I have officially stopped caring one lick about Bruce’s parents. I have seen them die for more screen time then I have seen them alive. Maybe Bruce should have gone to therapy to learn coping strategies instead of hand to hand combat. We get it. It’s very sad and dramatic with the pearls and the slow motions and the leaving a witness for some reason.
- Flashbacks, dreams, visions, and more. These are plot devices for lazy people. I’m okay with laziness, don’t get me wrong, but if you are gonna be lazy at least make it worth it. These writers picked up two crutches not realizing they were in a pool and drowned.
- The heaven v. hell imagery. Good lord. I know the general population isn’t that smart but this was just insulting. Turning a picture of angels descending from heaven and demons ascending from hell upside down and pretending you are deep is such a tween emo move I don’t even know how to express my disgust. But actually, that is insulting to tween emo kids expressing their feelings. If a tween emo kid wrote this the metaphor would have possibly connected. I just know some pompous writer feels really good about the metaphor any entry-level creative writing class would call trite and shallow. Actually, that writer probably tried to pass it off in a creative writing class and it did get torn apart but that poser was all like, you don’t understand my genius. It’s people like that who manage to succeed one time in the creative arts. Please please please one time only.
- Ignoring perfectly good casting. I already have a Flash thank you very much and I refuse to support your ruining it for me. I’ll stick with my TV shows.
Honestly people, why do I bother. If I want a match up I have Civil War to look forward to. From now onward I solemnly swear to pretend that DC doesn’t make movies and I’ll surround myself with my lovely TV shows, even the one where the show runner should be fired immediately.
Verdict: DC will keep breaking our hearts. Protect your heart, I’ll be protecting mine.