We begin with drama. Eliminated Kimberly walks back in and steals the man away. She doesn’t know why it didn’t work out the way she had planned. She FELT that they were supposed to be together. She just wanted a chance to talk to him. And he gives her a second chance. He shows himself to be a really nice guy and a lot of the girls show that they are already about to break their TV cool and calm.

Host Chris is doing his best to make sure the girls all sneak down to Bachelor Chris for a night visit. And luckily for us Bachelor Chris has a shower outside.

Group Date 1: Show me your country

-On this date is Tara the country girl (from Florida for some reason) and another girl who claims to “be more Kardashian than country.” Kimberly is also on this date and Chris is super nice to her. They then have a tractor race and the entire time I’m like, “Is that a Kubota? Because if that is a Kubota those things can go way faster than that.” The winner, Ashley I., gets to sit on his lap in her bikini and chat. He then decides to spend the rest of the time with Mackenzie and the other girls who didn’t get alone time with him try their darndest to rationalize it. She…is terrible at first date banter. She says she likes big noses and that his is great. She brings up aliens. She hasn’t been on a date in “soooooo long” by which she means one year (cue me scoffing and judging her). She named her child Kale. Her voice is super annoying and she scrunches up her face in an odd way. He is also 12 years older than her. In spite of all the red flags he noticed he gives her the rose and a kiss.

One-on-One Date 1: Love is a natural wonder

-They take a private jet to a helicopter to tour the desert around the Grand Canyon. Right before she came out for filming Megan’s father passed away. She might not be a bright bulb but she shone enough to get the rose.

Group Date 2: Till death do us part

Their limo is attacked by scary zombies in the dark or whatever and then Chris opens the door to invite them to a zombie paintball game. The girls are unloading their ammo into already “dead” zombie actors at point-blank range. I hope the poor actors are wearing padding because that would hurt like crazy. Ashley S. aka onion chick is just as stupid sober as she was wasted (although she might be drunk still). She babbles about Mesa Verde, angels, and the truth. She is crazy enough that Chris sends her home to the house early because he needs some time to figure out what to do about her. Chris gave Brit a free kiss coupon which is both a cute thing to do and an amazing way for him to get his way without coming off as creepy. Kaitlin gets the rose.

Cocktail Party:

-He is plied with boobs, alcohol, and willing kisses to sway him.

-Ashley I. is a virgin, but a hot virgin with a belly button ring, a talent with innuendo, and apparently a talent kissing.

-Jordan is wasted adding herself to the list of s***shows to brazenly walk up to the Bachelor on national television and make fools of themselves. She kept talking about kissing him but she didn’t.

-My favorite dress of the night is Amber’s cute little black and gold sequin number.

Rose Ceremony:

-He goes with the cliché, “I can see my future spouse in this room” line that everyone has been used the past few seasons.

-Brit is called out first. Ashley I. rounds out the top five. Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Traci, Jillian (who slipped earlier walking up after mishearing Chris), Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, and Whitney follow. The final rose goes to Ashley S. and the entire room is amazed. I would be wondering if I also came off as a little crazy if I was kept along with onion chick.

-Kimberly does go home this time along with Tara, Jordan, and some other girls I didn’t learn the names of.

Girls who cried this episode: Brit, Tara