Because we are worried about Chris providing any real scandal or buzz outside of his charm we open with Jimmy Kimmel waking him up and offering him help, telling some jokes, and making a curse word jar for the word “amazing”.

One-on-one #1: Kaitlyn and Chris pull up at Costco and they have to go shopping for the supplies for their dinner with Jimmy. Chris doesn’t think many girls could handle such a date so well and I’m just sitting here wondering where all the amazing, rich men with low bars are in my life. Dude, if shopping for dinner with your girl could have been a train wreck then I pity you your past.

They then make out until Jimmy crashes and they do their best with the third wheel. She does a good job answering the hard questions and wins the rose.

Group Date #1: Is anyone shocked that they are playing with farm animals? Anyone? And if you raised your hand and I didn’t see you because this is the internet I didn’t count your vote. They have to shuck corn, make an egg w/o braking the yoke, milk a goat and drink it, shovel manure, and wrangle a pig into its crate. Holy hell I can do all these things. Carly, on the other hand, is lactose intolerant. But she chugs the container while other girls practically barf. If you ever wanted to try fresh goat milk I promise it’s not that bad. In spite of Jillian jumping the fence with impressive skill Carly won a lame prize.

She also wastes no time to take him away for a little bit of lip service in the second half of the date. Then Chris kisses more people and Kale’s mother confronts him about it in the most uncomfortable way possible. Becca doesn’t kiss him and tells him they need to take it slow and he gets the message that he needs to earn it and gives her the rose. And if you don’t think that was a big part of the reason you need to get with the program.

One-on-one #2: Whitney, in date week 2, is so happy to get the date because she was feeling left out and ignored. They decide to crash a wedding which automatically makes me hate her. I don’t like situations without socially acceptable scripts of behavior. The girl can b.s. like a pro but I was so uncomfortable during the entire situation. And the jerkess gets the rose AND doesn’t have to deal with Jimmy K.

Cocktail Party: Is actually a pool party. Because J.K. and Chris want to see the girls in bikinis. That one girl tells Chris about her husband’s suicide. The virgin decides to air her issues with Jillian to Chris. So strike one against her. Remember, the Bachelors don’t like to hear about the relationships between the girls and the Bachelorettes feel betrayed if they aren’t told. Also, the sound of kissing is kind of yucky without romantic music under it. Jillian wasn’t playing fair but all’s fair in love and war and life is just a cliché. Meh.

Rose Ceremony: Jade is the first called. Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Brit, Megan (with insane boobage going on), Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, and Ashley I. followed. That left three girls I didn’t know the names of anyway going home. Once again Amber had one of my favorite dresses. It was super flattering. But she is gone now so I won’t get to see any more.

Side Note: I don’t know if it was my television or the show but the sound balance kept shifting oddly and the audio transitions were choppy. Also, it’s too bad J.K. is married because I would love to see a season with him as the Bachelor. Actually, can we stop using “normal” people and just use comedians from now on? Kthxbye.