Episode Review: Bachelor, Season Chris, Episode 1

It’s baaaaaack! And so is my color commentary. Buckle in and get ready for a boot tootin craaaazy ride. It’s time for “Prince Farming” (their nickname not mine, mine was potato) to find true love…bawhahahahaha. At least we are promised scandal and girls selling their souls to create drama and intrigue. After all, who doesn’t want the farming boy worth way more than all the farmers I’ve ever met pooled together?

Blah blah blah old cast members blah true love blah meet the girls blah blah hints of crazy. Some of the intros were so awful and sappy and cringey.

Open on Chris. He is a sensitive, funny, farm boy with a dangerous side, a motorcycle, and heeled boots. He just wants a good harvest, a son to train in the cherished traditions, and true love. And trying on suits is hard work. Way harder than harvest. Yeah.

The girls

Britt: hands over a coupon for a free hug

Whitney: fertility nurse

Kelsey: guidance counselor

Megan

Ashley I: has a gorgeous dress

Trina

Reegan: brings a bio-hazard cooler with a real-ish looking fake heart in it

Tara: shows up in cowboy boots, jean shorts, and a plaid shirt but changes later and walks back around to make a second first impression (hated girl #1 pegged)

Amber: brings a teddy bear

Nikki: was in Peru

Amanda: ballet teacher, doesn’t let him see her when she comes in pretending to be a secret admirer (stupid move)

Jillian: works out intensely

Mackenzie

Ashley S: gives him a lucky penny, has crazy eyes

Kaitlyn: made a raunchy joke, might be insane, tells many, many bad jokes

Samantha

Michelle: wedding cake designer wouldn’t ya know

Juelia

Becca: looks as nice as a clear night sky filled with stars

Tandra: rode her motorcycle in her ball gown

Alissa: flight attendant that I have taken a personal dislike to but does a darn good job meeting him

Jordan: took a shot with him

Nicole: wore a pig nose and made decent jokes

Brittney: shows up in practically lingerie with a sign that says #soulmates

Carly: sings with kids jukebox

Tracy: fourth grade teacher whose student wrote him an adorable note

Bo

Kimberly

Kara: talks about their babies

Jade

We took a break at 15 girls as they pretended like that was all he got and that there would be no dramatic twist. Then the other 15 came and he admitted that he could not remember all their names. (Side note: They brought a girl who went to high school with him and now I know why he hasn’t found anyone in his town.)

Ashley S went a little crazy, offered the girl Chris was talking with a rose she picked and told her to go away. She kept blathering on about onions and is either drunk or worse. She then picked a pomegranate and babbled.

Mackenzie asked if barely or whatever is organic and Chris tried so terribly hard not to judge her.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose. Which makes sense. She made a comfortable, warm, impression while looking stunning. She also got the first kiss. So she just made it to the top of the most hated list in the house. Picture the opera singer from Juan Paublo’s season mixed with Catherine and that’s the vibe I’m getting from her.

Rose Ceremony Drama

-Tara was about to faint or throw up or something from drinking too much. She was straight up falling apart and falling down in her heels. She should have stuck to her cowboy boots. Besides her he kept two other obviously drunk girl including onion chick.

Rose Ceremony Rejects

-Pig nose girl, ballerina/secret admirer, Kara, Bo, Kimberly, and three others that don’t even get the dignity of a goodbye

Cliff Hanger

-Kimberly walks back in and steals Chris away.

-And look forward to girls who blatantly use their bodies to get ahead vs one lone virgin.

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