Wanna make a bet on how many times someone says something with “paradise” in it?

Meet the cast I mean real people looking for love

• Clare, Juan Paublo’s Season
• Marcus, Andi’s Season
• Sarah, Sean’s Season
• Marquel, Andi’s Season
• Daniella, Sean’s Season
• Graham, DeAnna’s Season
• Lacy, Juan Paublo’s Season
• Ben S., Desiree’s Season
• Michelle K., Jake’s Season
• Robert, Desiree’s Season
• Dylan, Andi’s Season
• Elise, Juan Paublo’s Season
• AshLee, Sean’s Season

Late Arrivals

• Michelle M., Brad’s Season

Daniella says, “Maybe I’m just in delusional.” Maybe you’re just drunk.

There are more men this episode than women because this is the Bachelor franchise and all we want at the end of the day is true love.

How this show works: They get to pick who they go on dates with, kind of. At the end of the week each guy will pick a girl and the odd girl out goes home. Next week a new girl will be brought in and the girls will each pick a guy and the odd guy out will go home. Repeat until they either decide to start voting couples out or they end with the remaining couples as winners by default.

Basically each week most every contestant will find out that they are not their favorite’s favorite. There will be lies and manipulation and tears. And there is no shortage of alcohol.

Marcus, all broody and sensitive, goes out into the ocean in his boxers. He knows what his fans like. And he is followed by the girl with the largest endowment. Sarah says Marcus is the only one of the guys who she feels attracted to. That girl is crazy. Sure the boy is hot but we are talking about the cream of the crop here. Lacy has done a great job making all the girls hate her.

Dylan and Elise make out in the dark water as Marcus and Clare look on commentating. If Dylan had moved that fast with Andi he might have lasted longer. And we haven’t heard a single word about his back story yet.

First Date: Clare asks Graham to the ruins. Already AshLee is crying because he was her man. “He couldn’t be loyal to me for 24 hours.” He didn’t promise you anything, girl. He is here to mix and mingle. And it would be rude for him to say no so early to a girl who seems so nice. Clare gave up Graham to keep the peace and takes Robert instead. AshLee gets a big thumbs down for this situation, Graham and Clare get thumbs up. She is the only one of the four who didn’t handle this like a sane person.

Robert gets attacked by fire ants and has to take his shirt off. And I had to suffer minutes of his exposed body. It was hard y’all. His muscular body, not the watching.

I didn’t see the chemistry but Clare is hopeful. I hope she isn’t going to be destined by the franchise for suffering.

Second Date: Sarah take Marcus to a natural bath in a cave. They kiss. Good for her.

Third Date: Michelle takes Marquel horseback riding. They look good together. She has a kid and I think Marquel would make a good dad. The romantic in me wants something realistic to work out for at least a few of these kids. I’m warming up to Marquel in less crazy clothing.

Fourth Date: Lacy was 80:40 about who to take but she choose Robert for a romantic dinner on the beach under the stars. Marcus is hurt because he was into her. Dylan shines as a friend and a realist.

Cocktail Party: Brad reminds us that he is there by mentioning that his rose is still up for grabs. He knows his position and he plays the girls to find the best option for his position in Paradise. Poor Graham doesn’t really have a choice in who his rose goes to.

Rose Ceremony: The girls can decline if they hope for another man’s heart but that would be stupid. And probably guaranteed to happen this season. Michelle K. left on her own after multiple hints that she may already have someone.

• Marquel chooses Michelle M. (now the only Michelle) in a 1-to-1 match.
• Graham chooses AshLee who was staring at him with the intensity of a witch casting a spell.
• Dylan chooses Elise who is thinking the L word already.
• Marcus chooses Lacy who accepts creating bad chemistry with Robert and Sarah.
• Robert now can use his rose to save Clare. While there is probably nothing there it was a good move of friendship.
• Ben chooses Sarah with no passion in his heart and nothing but relief in hers.
• Daniella is the odd girl out and has to leave.

Things to take from the show:

• Don’t ruin a guy’s fun by psycho fast commitment and then turn around and ignore him.
• Start complimenting a guy by saying something from the group perspective (We all think you’re adorable) and move one to the personal level (I’m so glad you’re here).
• Never break strategic pacts.

Who cried this episode: AshLee, Lacy

Jump to week 2.