Wanna know everything about the previous episodes before tackling this two night special? Read my recaps of episode 1, episode 2, and episode 3 now.

They are promising unexpected romance and crazy drama. Here is what we are working with.

• Lacy and Marcus are still an item.
• AshLee and Graham are due for some trauma. (Originally I meant to type drama but this seems more appropriate.)
• Zack is still with Clare.
• Marquel moved on to Jackie.
• Robert and Sarah are still pretending to be each others first choice.
• And Michelle is solo.

(Update on Chris and Elise. Shockingly, they are not still together.)

New Arrivals

• Cody, Andi’s Season
• KALON!!!!!!, Emily’s Season (I’m a big Kalon fan people. He is good TV but less attractive than I remember.)
• Jesse, Jillian’s Season

Date 1

Robert and Sarah finally get to act like the couple they have sort of been. Michelle, who wanted to snag Robert, does Sarah’s hair for her. (I’m kind of completely over Michelle with her whining about a situation she created when she chose a dying relationship with Marquel over blossoming potential with Robert.) There is very little positive body language going on between them. They do the cliché Titanic pose and he is a good half a foot behind her only making contact occasionally to keep her from falling.

Date 2

Cody picks Clare and is the same old sweet man we saw previously. She is completely up front with Cody that she is nurturing something with Zack. Clare turns him down and instead of abandoning his heart Cody chooses to show his feelings for Clare by handing the date card over to Marcus. Zack is relieved and admits that he is happy she turned Cody down and makes it clear that he wants to be exclusive. Cody’s movie is good for two reasons. One, he makes a huge gesture to Clare making it obvious that he isn’t going to be swayed. Two, he earns a lot of karma in the house.

Lacy and Marcus go somewhere and do something…okay moving on.

Date 3

Kalon asks Michelle. This is Bachelor drama at it’s finest. He was kicked off Emily’s season for calling her daughter “baggage” and the only uncommitted female on the beach is Michelle, a mother. She was complaining and whining about the lack of options and probably the worst option ever for her is the only one asking her on a date. He doesn’t even seem to hesitate in asking her. I super hope the producers told him to make a beeline for her.

Michelle lays down the law with Kalon and in great form he rebounds from rejection, makes some delightful tasteless joke, and asks Jackie (who was laying out with Sarah). Jackie turns him down. He then turns to Sarah who says something like, “How awkward for you.” Also, my new favorite comment is from Sarah: “Kalon couldn’t get close enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his.” Instead of collecting the rest of the rejections he goes by himself. We get to see a glorious date of self-love including an actual conversation he has with himself and a toast with himself to conclude the “best date he has ever been on”.

Date 4

Jesse chooses Jackie. Jesse is a smooth talker and manipulates her like a pro. He blatantly says that Jackie is his only chance to get to meet other girls. He might provide the drama that was cut short when Chris left.

Drama

AshLee calls Clare crazy to Zack’s face and tries to convince him to think twice about his commitment to Clare. She even mentions the infamous scene in the water. She then freaks out because she realized she was caught on camera. I don’t see why AshLee felt the need to pick a fight in the first place but she was stupid to pick the only woman in the house who gets stronger in a fight when she is emotional.

Marcus and Robert are sitting back liking their women a little bit more for being on the fringe of this. Clare says she wishes Zack would have told her first but he just wants to think about them. I get that Clare is hurt and wants him to be her man. I also get that Zack didn’t think like a stereotypical reality love show girl and let what he considered nonsense go.

AshLee, instead of pretending that nothing happened (because denying it was beyond an option even for a manipulative, sly, dumb b****), actually took her aside and said she didn’t know why she was upset with her. She then tries to make it seem like Clare is being unreasonable. Instead, and partly because of the camera AshLee didn’t know existed, Clare comes off as a composed, strong, fair woman and AshLee seems crazy on yet another level.

Michelle decides that she is going to cause drama for AshLee since Clare didn’t and tells Graham about the whole debacle. Graham, like the gentleman he is, orders a vodka soda and weighs his next move.

Cocktail Party

Kalon is still there. So we know the first guy going home. Michelle seems willing to fight to win Cody and Cody seems willing to be won by the right girl at the right pace. It seems that while he had an initial crush on Clare he is going to respect her and Zack enough to pull back and look around. On the flip side, we have Jesse playing the only option left with the intent to hit and quit as soon as the rose is in his hands.

Rose Ceremony (narrated by Graham as he sorts his feelings)

• Marcus accepts a rose from Lacy.
• Clare and Zack stay partnered up and he looks at her with pretty tender eyes that make me envious.
• We are then left on a cliffhanger. AshLee calls Graham and he walks off, asking for a second and Michelle follows. Will he accept the rose? Will there be an altercation? When will someone actually get injured and require the promised ambulance?

Lessons Learned

• Dating a great guy might be amazing but you need to be secure as a person and secure in your relationship because a good guy is going to be good to a lot of people including other girls.
• Guilting nice guys into giving you massage does not a relationship make.
• Don’t tie yourself to one person before you are both on the same page, especially if you have never actually met the person.

People Who Cried: Michelle

Use of the “L” word: Marcus to Lacy (she says she wants to reciprocate but is scared)

Let’s keep going to night two.