Look back on our journey thus far and see why something has to happen this episode for the Bachelor franchise not to become a complete tease. Episode 1, episode 2, episode 3, episode 4 part 1

We ended last night with Marcus and Lacy and Clare and Zack firmly committed to each other. AshLee calls Graham who walks off and is followed by Michelle. What will happen? Hopefully something with the ambulance they keep showing.

We saw AshLee let her crazy get out of control and basically called Clare a w**** to Zack’s face. And you don’t mess with Clare because she will calmly and firmly shut you down, take away your soapbox, and stand smugly looking on as your man debates whether he would rather be eliminated than have to deal with you anymore…apparently. But AshLee isn’t the only one who should look bad in this situation. Michelle, already on my dislike list because of her self-pity and defeatist mentality, decided that Graham had to know about the situation.

We return to see Graham getting dizzy with the emotional stress. AshLee just stands like Stab-in-the-Back Barbie seemingly not worried about the amazing guy she has. But he accepts the rose. Which makes Lacy sick? She and Marcus get in the ambulance to go get her checked out at the hospital. Lame. I feel majorly let down…I mean how great that AshLee didn’t run off into the jungle after a heartbreaking rejection and get mauled by a panther.

What we do get is some snarky comments from Kalon, Sarah choosing Robert, Michelle choosing Cody, and Jackie choosing Jesse who will indeed be able to stick around with the obvious intent, and probable intent of the producers, to shake things up. Kalon and Marquel get the boot.

For those of you who need it for reference

• Lacy and Marcus
• Clare and Zack
• Sarah and Robert…technically…they haven’t kissed, y’all
• Michelle and Cody who bench presses her at one point this episode
• Graham and AshLee apparently still
• Jackie
• Jesse who has  made it obvious that he is not Jackie’s man and is ready to move on

New Girls

• Christy
• Lucy, man I hate Lucy. Her profession was “free spirit”. Yuck.

First Date

Sarah did try to tell her who was absolutely taken but Christy still asks Zack. He says no but to be polite to Christy he pretends that he has to talk to Clare first. He tells Clare he already said no. That is a healthy relationship, for this franchise, people. I can’t wait to see it fall apart.

So Christy gets stuck with Jesse who is thrilled to be able to tan, drink free alcohol, and hang with a hot blond. They slam some tequila and we hear all about how Jesse justifies his douchyness.

Second Date

Sarah picks Robert and bless their hearts they try so hard to move their relationship forward. Either the dude is even less romantic than he thinks, and he downplayed his abilities already, or this isn’t happening for our girl. They shake hands in hot tub for goodness sake. Yes, they kiss. But it was painful getting there.

Third Date

Lucy decides to walk around either completely naked or topless with TV illegal bottoms. Does she have back jewelry? Is it a piercing? How? But she snaps up Jesse for the date. Jesse admits that she has a good personality and he wants her to get topless again. But at least Lucy is being real about the situation. Jesse isn’t the love of her life and Christy isn’t her best friend.

Fourth Date

Michelle takes Cody and plans to use the time to make sure she doesn’t pursue the relationship just because he is infectiously happy and paying attention to her. Side bar: I want her outfit. Michelle wants to slow things down a little bit and walks in to find a wedding dress ready for her photo shoot. The girl puts it on and freaks out for the rest of the date.

Fifth Date

AshLee and Graham go drive gorgeous cars. The man is an angel. He thinks it is sexy that she wastes her time in an amazing car and then compares getting comfortable with a new car with a new relationship. At least I think he does. Someone needs to turn down the soundtrack.

Drama 1

Zack is kind of regretting not accepting the date with Christy and tells Clare that he needs to figure out if they are a great fit for each other. Cue tense soundtrack and narrowed eyes. Zack says he just wants to chill with Clare and take it slow. Clare decides to “go to bed” and runs off into the jungle, or as much as you can on a decorated lit path, crying. At least she knows she is acting like an emotional fool and the producers seem to like her because they don’t show her breaking down, they just play her audio.

Clare tells Michelle she is leaving. She wakes Zack up and he has the feeling that maybe this isn’t going to be a good conversation. But now I kind of want them to break up because I’m kind of into him and since we both exist in this country there is technically a chance that we could be together. I think Clare needs love from a guy not on television and I think Zack needs a girl who is slightly less idealistic. I’m just going to put him in my dream male harem with fellow Bachelor franchise fellow Graham and Patrick (Andi’s season).

Drama 2

Jesse, the charmer that he is, kind of forgets Lucy’s name but he still manages to pull two girls into bed with him, one fully aware of her position and the other shockingly stupid. Lucy, Christy, and Jesse have some well hydrated fun captured by the night vision camera in the bedroom.

Cocktail Party

Zack realizes that there is really only one girl left for him, Jackie. They realize that they each have baggage but they are willing to give each other a chance and choose get to know each other better next week. Which is a very healthy approach. Hey, I just got hurt a little bit and am kind of wary of investing my feelings with another fame chaser but since we are both being upfront about the situation we might as well hang out and get the paycheck for the next episode.

Rose Ceremony

• Robert picks Sarah who is wearing a dress/necklace combo that I am digging.
• Graham picks AshLee and apparently we don’t get to see any drama there.
• Cody picks Michelle.
• Marcus calls Lacy and they actually change the music to something really fairytale sappy. Gosh, it’s cute how in love they are. They should just leave now and start their life together so I DON”T HAVE TO SEE THEM HAPPY TOGETHER ANYMORE! They are the perfect mix of blessed, secure in love, and on TV when I am single and bitter.
• Zack does go with Jackie.
• Jesse goes with Christy because he still can’t remember Lucy’s name. I’m actually kind of sad to see Lucy go.

Lessons Learned

• Guys who think like and understand jerks might just been one themselves.
• If you are having trouble finding true love on a national television franchise you either need to lower your expectations or be more realistic about how real relationships work.
• There are not that many ruins in Tulum, they just keep going back. I think.

Next week they promise the demise of Lacy and Marcus (I have seen reports of their engagement), a hot new guy for Sarah, and Jesse still being a tool. So expect none of that to actually happen because they don’t want me to be happy.